Dead Ringers
Sydney Morning Herald
Saturday January 7, 2006
JOHN SHARPE is sorry to upset those hoping for eternal peace, but there's no escaping mobile phones, even in the afterlife.
In Ireland, dead people are insisting on being buried with their mobile phones - a request usually made before they pass away. Their thinking is that, if they aren't really dead and just in a very deep coma, when they wake up they can phone a friend and get their coffin dug up.This is a very sound precaution. But what if you had no signal on the phone? What if your battery was flat? Why not take a chainsaw with you to be sure? Or, better, insist on a coffin lid fixed only by velcro? If you discover you really are dead, then the mobile phone in the coffin might come in handy. As it says in the Bible: "Do not be amazed at this, because a time is coming when all who are in the graves will hear His voice." (John chapter 5, verse 28) And how will you hear his voice if you've forgotten your mobile, eh? So the text for today is: when your number's up, be carrying a phone. Of course, mobile phone conversations from heaven might be just as silly as they are here on Earth. But the Angel of the Lord called to him from heaven and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" He replied, "Here I am." (Genesis 22:11) On the bus, we presume. The other problem with phones in the afterlife is for the people left behind. Imagine getting a call from your dead mother-in-law complaining that her funeral was too cheap, the food was lousy and people didn't cry enough. She'd been watching the ceremony the whole time from above (or possibly from below).Sometimes it might come in very handy to have a relative watching over you. Hey John, is that you? It's Great-uncle George here, calling from heaven.J: Hi, George. Haven't seen you for ages - since you died, in fact.G: Yeah, bummer. But I just want to tell you it would be a good idea to get off the train at the next stop.J: Why?G: It's going to crash.J: Oh my God! I'd better warn everyone! G: Nah, don't bother, there's some pretty bad sinners in there.J: OK, Uncle. By the way, can you give me next week's winning Lotto numbers? Businesswise, it's good news for the phone companies but will certainly bring profit warnings in the seance sector.Bible scholars such as myself know that the irritating public transport one-way mobile phone conversation has been foretold. Now those who were with me saw the light, but they did not hear the voice of the One who was speaking to me. (Acts 22:9) As has instant text messaging. Therefore say to them - this is what the Lord God says: none of My words will be delayed any longer. The message I speak will be fulfilled." (Ezekiel 12:28) But you have to be very careful what you say. The Lord shall cut off all flattering lips, and the tongue that speaketh proud things. (Psalms 12:3) Of course, there is no direct line to the Lord - the big man doesn't have a mobile because he can see and hear everything. He'd also be swamped by spam messages from God-botherers asking why their prayers had not been answered. We've been talking about heaven here because I assumed hell was too hot for phones. But I have made an important discovery. If you look at old drawings of Satan you will see what look like little horns on the side of his head. On closer examination, you'll find he is, in fact, wearing two Bluetooth headsets! He has obviously found he can punish sinners by having phones everywhere at all times, with the incessant beeping of stupid messages and people talking inanely in loud voices.Yes, hell is other people's one-way conversations and weird, distressing ringtones. Not to mention constant calls from people with funny accents trying to sell you stuff. (If you want to complain, just ring the number of the Beast.)Sorry, must go now, my phone is beeping with a text message from Great-granddad. Excellent! It's the results for Monday's 3.30 at Randwick.
© 2006 Sydney Morning Herald
